Today, I’m wrecked. I know I don’t look wrecked- in fact, this is the most put together I ever look. I do this thing when I’m scared out of mind- that’s when I look the best. 

I have on a carefully planned outfit, I carried my coordinating and only high-end bag, I’m wearing heels and I have on full makeup with hair done. I also looked like this during our NICU stay with our youngest son. I wasn’t being phony. It’s a tactic. If I look like I have it together, I then feel like I actually do. It works in the moment, but then that strength gets mushy when the moment passes.

Today, I toured the public school. Anderson, my son with Down syndrome, will likely be starting there next month. To me, he’s still very much my baby at nearly 3. 

Because Anderson has a developmental delay, it makes me want to protect him more. I wanted to keep him in private preschool because it’s comfortable. But he needs more. I have to push myself and my limits for his sake. 

I don’t know if this is the right thing or not. I think I’ve done more than the average amount of prep work and yet nothing can fully prepare you to hand your child, especially one who’s more vulnerable, off to school. 

I feel like he’s not ready because I don’t feel ready to start this part of our lives. To not only to learn the road of advocacy but to actually start walking its twists and turns. 

Everyone was so nice. I want to believe they were genuine- I really think they were. But it’s my job to have a decent dose of skepticism. I’ve heard too many stories of parents thinking the school was on their side and then blindsided in the IEP meeting. 

So, I shook hands, smiled, but kept a healthy distance- wanting to believe them, but not yet sure if I can. 

I’m exhausted and this was just an observation for preschool. I’m questioning myself and questioning the powers that be. 

But I know I can’t keep my son tucked away because of my comfort level. I know life with him means a life of pushing; pushing for services, pushing his limits and also pushing myself. 

I may look like I’m ready for a fight if a fight comes, but today, beneath the makeup and curled hair, I’m a wreck.

• This is an old Facebook post from last year. We are gearing up for our second IEP meeting this week, which is what made me think of it. Anderson had a good school year, I feel confident about this meeting, and yet- there is fear underneath the put together exterior. I think this goes back to last week’s post about how the mental load of special needs parents is never-ending. When it comes to his schooling, especially his IEP meetings, I think there will always be a ridiculous amount of prep, and coordinating worry that goes with it. That’s where I am at today- deep in emails and pre-meetings. My mind can’t focus on any other kind of work this week. This week, I’m running our home and preparing for this meeting. I believe it will always be this way, except more intense as he gets older. And it’s okay because he’s worth so worth it. But it made me think of this- check on your put together friend, the one who seems to have it together all of the time, they may be fighting a battle they don’t speak about.