I saw the stress in her face. She was trying to be positive; we were at church after all—a place where forced niceties are often too prevalent. But it was clear something was off.
When my friend started telling me what was going on in her life, I stumbled trying to find the right words to say and ended up saying the worst two words…
“At least…”
Me, I said it.
My husband and I have been through our fair share of heartache and stress over the last four years. A genetic diagnosis for our son, an open-heart surgery for that same son, a miscarriage, and a very high-risk pregnancy for our other son that resulted in several procedures and hospital stays.
After everything I’ve gone through, after being hurt by well-meaning people and their words time and time again, I said it.
Here’s the problem with these two words—what you are doing is trying to comfort the person by telling them at least…they have this good thing going on or at least it’s not as bad as it could be.
You don’t mean to do it, but you’re being critical at a time when that person just needs you to be there for them.
I get it, you don’t mean it. I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean to be critical. But by using that phrase I was telling my friend to essentially be grateful for what she did have.
It wasn’t my place. It wasn’t what she needed.
If someone is trusting you enough with their true feelings, the right response looks something like this, “That must be so tough”, “I’m so sorry”, “I would like to help you, can I watch your kids sometime this week?”
My point is not to make you feel bad, I did it too. Finding the right words can be hard sometimes. But, sometimes we are listening to respond instead of really taking in the other person’s words and emotions. In our effort to avoid silence, we fill the gaps with quick words. But, our words have power; power to mend a broken heart or the power to cut into its wounds even deeper.
Let our words to the grieving or to those simply going through a hard time, reflect this: I see you, I feel for you, I am here for you.
Here are some things to say to those whose child faces surgery or other difficult circumstance
Pin It:
